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Old June 29th, 2014, 05:34 PM   #1
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Regretless Youth

Regretless Youth
by Xiao Wen
(from Chongqing City, China)

ďĎLoveí means a pure and unblemished affection, to love with the heart, and to feel and care with the heart; in ĎLoveí there is no condition, no barrier, and no distance; in Ďloveí there is no suspicion, no cheat, and no cunning; in Ďloveí there is no distance and not any mixture.Ē This hymn of Godís word ďPure and Unblemished LoveĒ accompanied me through the eight long and painful years of prison life. The CCP government deprived me of the best years of my youth, yet from Almighty God I got the most precious and practical truths. So I have no regrets!

Welcoming Godís Return with Great Joy, I Enjoyed Godís Infinite Love; Arrested by the CCP, I Suffered the Nine-year Imprisonment
In 1996, uplifted by God, I accepted Almighty Godís end-time salvation. Through reading Godís word and fellowshipping at the meetings, I firmly believe that all Godís words are the truth and are something entirely different from any knowledge or theory of this evil world. The word of Almighty God is the highest maxim of life. Much more to my delight, when staying with the brothers and sisters, I could open myself and express my mind freely. I didnít at all need to behave as I did in contacting the worldly people, taking precautions or engaging in suspicion and deception. I had never felt so happy and joyful. I liked this big family very much. But soon, I heard that believing in Almighty God was not allowed in this country. This puzzled me greatly, because Almighty Godís words are all telling us to worship God, to walk the right way of human life, and to be honest people. If people all believed in Almighty God, everywhere under heaven would be at peace. I really couldnít figure out that believing in God is the most just cause,but why the CCP government persecutes, opposes, and even tries to arrest believers in Almighty God. I thought: No matter how the CCP government persecutes and how much the pressure is from public opinion, since I have firmly believed that this is the right way of human life, I will walk to the end!

Henceforth, I began to perform the duty of sending the books of Godís word in the church. I knew that in such a country that resists God, it was very dangerous to perform this duty, and that I might be arrested at any moment. But I even more knew that it was the calling and the bounden duty for me, a created being, to spend for God and do my duty. Just when I was cooperating with God with full confidence, one day in September 2003, I was arrested by the Municipal Bureau of State Security on my way to send the books of Godís word to brothers and sisters.

In the bureau, faced with tortures one after another, I didnít know how to deal with them. So I desperately cried to God, ďO Almighty God, please give me wisdom and the proper words to say, and keep me so that I wonít betray you and can stand testimony for you.Ē In that period, I called on God every day, not daring to leave God in my heart for a moment, and only beseeching God to give me wisdom to deal with the evil cops. Thank God for his caring and keeping. Every time I was interrogated, I either drooled or hiccupped unceasingly, unable to speak. Ö Because I saw Godís wonderful deeds, I made up my mind: Fight it out! If you want my head, I have one. If you want my life, I have one. Today, if you want me to betray God, thatís impossible! When I firmly made up my mind to rather die than be a Judas to betray God, God helped me in every aspect, which made me truly grateful. In each interrogation, God kept me and made me go through it safely. Although I hadnít told anything, the CCP government eventually sentenced me to nine years on a trumped-up charge of ďusing a cult to disrupt the enforcement of the lawĒ! When I heard the courtís judgment, because of Godís keeping, I didnít feel sad, nor fear them, but felt contempt for them. While those people were pronouncing the sentence, I whispered quietly, ďThis is the evidence of you CCP governmentís resisting God!Ē Afterward, the public prosecutors came specially to sound me out. I told them calmly, ďNine years is nothing! When I get out of here, Iíll still be a member of the Church of Almighty God. If you donít believe, just wait and see! But you should remember that you are the ones dealing with this case!Ē My attitude surprised them very much. They gave me the thumbs-up, saying, ďImpressive! Impressive! You are tougher than Sister Jiang! When you get out, weíll meet again. Then weíll treat you!Ē At that time, I felt God had gained glory, so I was gratified in my heart. When I was sentenced that year, I wasnít yet 31 years old.

I Suffered a Lot in the Devilís Prison; Godís Word Encouraged Me to Bear an Overcoming Testimony

The prison in China was hell on earth. The lengthy prison life made me thoroughly see satanís inhuman true colors as well as its demonic substance of being Godís enemy. The cops in China donít rule people by law, but by evil. In prison, instead of fixing people personally, the prison guards incited the prisoners to rule the others by violent means. The evil cops also used various means to shackle the prisonersí mind. For example, all of us must wear the same prison uniforms distributed by the CCP government, with special numbers on them, have the hairstyle they required, wear the shoes they permitted, walk the paths they required, and take the steps they allowed. Whether in spring, summer, autumn, or winter, and whether it was windy or rainy, hot or cold, we had to act according to their orders and we couldnít have our own choice. Every day we were required to assemble and number off at least fifteen times. Every day we had to sing the praises of the CCP government as many as five times. We also had political tasks, which were learning the Prison Law and the Constitution. We had a big test every half a year which was aimed at brainwashing us and we were given a test of the prison rules and regulations at any time. The prison guards not only afflicted us mentally, but destroyed us physically in an inhuman way: I had to do hard labor more than ten hours every day, and worse still, several hundred people were crowded into a small workshop. Due to the large number of people and the small space and the noise of the machines all round, after working there for some time, everyone, no matter how healthy he was, would have serious health problems. Behind me was a machine for punching holes in shoes. Every day it kept punching holes and making unbearable roaring sounds. After several years, my hearing suffered a great decline, even now I still haven't recovered yet. What harmed us more was that the workshop was very dusty and seriously polluted. Many of us were diagnosed with tuberculosis and pharyngitis. Moreover, because of sitting at work for a long time and couldnít move around, most of us had severe hemorrhoids. The CCP government treats the prisoners like money-making machines, not caring in the least about their life or death, and makes them work from early in the morning non-stop till late at night. I often felt very exhausted and physically tired. Whatís more, we had to deal with different spot checks in the prison plus the weekly political tasks, laboring tasks, open tasks in the prison, etc. So, every day I was in a state of high mental tension with my nerves tensed all the time, fearing that if I was slightly careless, failing to keep up in anything, I would receive punishments from the prison guards. In that environment, it really wasnít easy if I wanted a day to go by without incident.

When I just began to serve my sentence, I couldnít stand the savage torment in the prison. Various pressures from intensive work and mental pressures loaded me down, and I had to associate with different kinds of prisoners and endure being beaten and scolded and insulted by the devilish guards and the head of the prisonersÖ. I was often driven to desperation by their torment and fell into despair several times. Especially at the thought of the nine-year long sentence, I was overtaken by waves of desolation and helplessness. So many times I cried and even thought of death to free myself from the misery. However, every time I became extremely sad and could hardly hold on, I would pray and cry to God urgently, and Godís words would inspire and guide me, ďNow you canít die. You should clench your fists and live on. You should live for God once. If one has the truth, he will have this resolution and will no longer think of death. When death threatens you, you will say, ĎO God, Iím not willing to die. I still havenít known you! I still havenít repaid your love! ... I have to testify God well. I have to repay Godís love. Afterward, it is Ok to die in any way. Then I will have lived a satisfactory life. Now, I wonít die regardless of who dies. I have to live tenaciously.íĒ Godís word consoled my lonely heart like the gentle eyes of a mother and wiped away the tears on my face like the warm hands of a father. At once, a warm feeling and a strength surged in my heart. Although in the dark prison my flesh suffers pain, suicide is not Godís will. I could not testify God, but became a laughingstock to satan. Godís word gave me the courage to live. I made a resolution inwardly: No matter how many difficulties there will be ahead, I will try my best to live on. I will live bravely and tenaciously, and stand testimony to satisfy God.
In the Devilís Den, Days Passed Like Years; With Godís Company, Though Bitter, I Felt Sweet The heavy work all year around made me weak gradually. After sitting in the workshop for a long time I would sweat a lot abnormally. When the hemorrhoids got worse, it would bleed at any time. Due to severe anemia, I often felt dizzy. But it wasnít an easy thing to see a doctor in prison. When the guards were happy, they would bring me some cheap medicines. When they were unhappy, they would claim that I was pretending to be ill to avoid working. I could only endure the torment of the illness, shedding tears in my heart. After a hard dayís work, I dragged myself back to the cell and wanted to have a rest. But I even didnít have the right to a sound sleep. I would be asked to do things at midnight, or woken up by the uncalled-for whistles of the prison guards, or ordered to stand with other prisoners in one place in the same posture.Ö They toyed with me so much that I was often in a confused state of mind and in unspeakable miseryÖ. Moreover, I had to suffer the prison guardsí inhumane treatments. I, like a refugee, slept on the floor and in hallways, and even beside the toilet. My laundry didnít air dry. They dried through being huddled together with other prisoners. Especially in winter, it was a tiresome thing to wash clothes. Many of us had arthritis because of wearing wet clothes for a long time. In the prison, no matter how healthy one was, he would be muddleheaded, obtuse and weakened and have various illnesses after being tormented for a short time. We often ate withered and yellow vegetables, which were out-of-season or expired. If we wanted to eat a little better, we had to buy their pricey dishes. In prison, the guards asked us to learn the law, but there was no law there, and those guards were the law. As long as anyone was disagreeable in their eyes, they would find any excuse to punish her and they even inflicted corporal punishment on her without any reason. The more detestable thing was that they classified the believers in Almighty God as political prisoners. They said that we were the ones subverting the government, even worse than murderers and arsonists. So, they were especially hostile to me, guarded me most strictly, and tortured me most harshly. All these evil deeds are the irrefutable evidence of the facts of those dictatorsí perverse acts, going against Heaven, and being the enemy of God! Experiencing the brutal torture of the guards, my heart was often filled with righteous anger: We believe in God and worship God; which law does it violate? We follow God and walk the right path of human life; what crime have we committed? Man is a created being in Godís hands. It is right and proper to believe in God and worship God. By what rationale does the CCP government willfully obstruct and persecute us by every possibly way? It is clearly that it is doing things in a perverse way and going against Heaven, and resisting God in everything. But it labels believers in Almighty God as reactionary and commits severe persecution and violence, attempting to catch and exterminate followers of Almighty God. Isnít this calling black white and downright reactionary? It is so wildly against Heaven and hostile to God that ultimately it will surely be subject to Godís righteous punishment! This is because where there is corruption, there will be judgment, and where there is sin, there will be chastisement. This is a heavenly principle ordained by God, which nobody can escape. The CCP government is guilty of the most heinous crimes, and it is doomed to be destroyed by God. As God says, ďWith this dark society, God has long since harbored a bitter hatred for it and gnashed his teeth in anger. He only wishes to trample under his feet this old ancient serpent which has committed the most heinous crimes, not allowing it to rise again, not allowing it to do harm to people any more, not tolerating its past, and not allowing it to deceive people any more. Its crimes throughout the generations will be dealt with one by one. God will never let off this arch-criminal and will exterminate it thoroughly!Ē (From The Word Appears in the Flesh)

In this demonís prison, Iím not as good as a stray dog in the evil copsí eyes. Not only did they beat and curse me, but even more my bedclothes and private things were also often turned upside down by the evil cops who suddenly rushed in. And, every time there were such things as riots breaking out outside, the ones responsible for politics in the prison would come to me and questioned my view on them. They also kept denouncing me fiercely why I took the way of believing in God. Every time I faced this kind of interrogation, my heart was in my mouth. I didnít know what hostilities they had prepared for me, so my heart was always urgent to pray to God to help me and guide me through the difficulties. Day after day and year after year, all these abuses, exploitations, and suppressions tortured me miserably: The heavy workload daily, tedious political tasks, the torture of illnesses, and the long-term repression ... drove me almost to the verge of collapse. Especially when I saw that a middle-aged female prisoner hanged herself from a window in the middle of the night because she couldnít endure the inhuman tortures from the evil cops, and that one old woman died from disease in prison because of the delays for treatment, I again fell into a hopelessly suffocating situation. Again the idea of suicide came to mind. I felt that death was the best kind of deliverance. But I knew that was betraying God. I couldnít do that. I could only endure all the sufferings and obey Godís manipulation and arrangement. But thinking of the lengthy prison term and thinking that freedom was so distant, I felt unspeakable pain and despair, feeling that I really couldnít stand it any longer. I really didnít know how long I could last. Many times I could only wrap myself in the quilt weeping secretly in the stillness of night, praying to Almighty God and pouring out the difficulties of my heart. When I was most painful and helpless, I thought of how the Lord Jesus endured the suffering of being nailed on the cross for redeeming mankind. And I also thought how today the holy and innocent God becomes flesh again and comes among men and endures the sufferings of rejection, slander, blasphemy, and persecution. God is innocent and should not have undergone these sufferings, but he silently endures all in order to save us corrupted people. However, today I suffer for myself to cast off corruptions and be saved by God. Such suffering is what I should undergo, and also is what I must undergo. Thinking of these, I didnít feel that bad. But instead, I felt that it was the most valuable and meaningful thing that I was persecuted and put into prison because of believing in God and suffered for pursuing to be saved today. It was too worthy! Unconsciously, my heart turned from sorrow to joy. I couldnít help but sing in my heart the life experience hymn ďWe Are Not Living in VainĒ: ďWe are not living in vain, for it is meaningful though we are undergoing sufferings. We are not living in vain, however hard we will never draw back. We are not living in vain, for we have received a golden opportunity to know God. We are not living in vain, for we are spending ourselves for God the Most High. No one can be more blessed than us. No one can be more fortunate than us. No one in the past generations has received more from God than us. Let us live for God alone to repay Godís great love for us. ÖĒ I repeatedly hummed it in my heart. The more I sang, the more my heart was energized. The more I sang, the more strength and enjoyment I had. I couldnít help but take an oath before God, ďO Almighty God, thank you for comforting and encouraging me, and making me have the confidence and courage to live. You make me feel that you are indeed the Lord of my life and are the strength of my life. Although I am caught in the devilís den, I am not alone, because you have been with me through these dark days, once and again giving me faith, and giving me the power to live. O God, if one day I can get out and can live freely, I still want to perform my duty. I wonít make you sad any more. I wonít plan for myself any more. O God, no matter how hard the following days will be, I am willing to rely on you and survive strongly, to meet this day soon!Ē

In prison, I often thought back to the days I spent together with the brothers and sisters. What a wonderful time! We had joy, laughter, and also disputes, but all these became my beautiful memories. However, every time I recalled my being perfunctory in performing the duty, I felt very guilty and indebted. Remembering the scenes when I had disputes with the brothers and sisters due to my arrogance, I felt particularly sad and remorsefulÖ. At such times, I would always burst into tears and silently sing in my heart the life experience hymn ďI Am So RemorsefulĒ: ďI am so remorseful. For I have wasted so much precious time. Time has fled, and it will never return. Only left with regret! Ö Today I will atone for my past transgressions and make a new start with full confidence. God has given me another opportunity and tolerates me again, so I will make a choice again. I will cherish today and offer up everything to satisfy God for the last time. Godís heart is worried, and he is expecting. I cannot disappoint his heart again.Ē Painfully remorseful, I often prayed to God in my heart, ďO God! Iím really indebted to you. If you permit, Iím willing to love you. After I get out, Iíll still be willing to perform my duty and make a new start! I will make up for my past indebtedness!Ē During those days in prison, I especially missed those brothers and sisters who had ever been with me every day and I really wanted to see them. But now I was trapped in this demonís prison, and this desire had become a kind of extravagant hope. However, in my dreams, I often dreamed of them, dreaming that we were reading Godís word together and fellowshipping about the truth together. How happy we were! How joyful we were! Ö

In 2008, when the Wenchuan earthquake occurred, our prison also collapsed. I was the last one to leave there. In those days, the aftershocks continued happening. Everyone, whether they were the prisoners or the guards, was terrified and lived in fear. But I felt very calm and steadfast, because I knew Godís words were being fulfilled, and this was the descending of Godís fiery wrath. In that rare big earthquake, Godís word had been keeping my heart. I believed manís life and death are all in Godís hand, and no matter what God would do, I was willing to obey Godís manipulation and arrangement. But the only thing that would make me feel sad was that if I died, I would have no chance to perform my duty for the Creator, I would have no chance to repay Godís love, and I could no longer see the brothers and sisters. However, my worry was superfluous. God was always with me and gave me a great keeping, enabling me to escape death in the great earthquake and survive safely!

The Tribulation of Persecution Becomes My Wealth of Life; I Have No Regrets in Pursuing to Love God In January 2011, I was released early, and my slave-like prison term finally ended. Being freed, I felt very thrilled: I can go back to the church again and can be with the brothers and sisters again! There were no words to express my excitement. However, what I never expected was that after returning home, my daughter didnít recognize me. My relatives and friends all looked at me differently, remained far from me, and refused to associate with me. No one around me understood me or accepted me. At that time, though there was no abuse or torture like that in the prison, those cold eyes, mockeries, and rejections were more difficult to bear. I became weak and passive. I spontaneously recalled the scenes before: The year I was arrested, I hadnít reached 31. When I came out of the prison, I was already 39. In the prison, I spent 8 winters and 7 summers. Many times, when I was desolate and helpless, God arranged people, matters, and things to help me. Many times, when I was in distress and despair, God consoled me with his word. Many times, when I thought of death, God gave me strength, so I had the courage to live. Ö In those long and painful years, it was God who led me step by step out of the valley of the shadow of death and survive tenaciously. But today faced with such a little suffering, I become passive and weak and grieve God. Iím really a weak and incompetent person, and an ungrateful villain! Thinking about that, my heart was severely rebuked. I couldnít help but remember the oath I took before God in prison: ďIf one day I can get out and can live freely, I still want to perform my duty. I wonít grieve your heart any more. I wonít plan for myself any more!Ē When I thought about this oath and recollected the scene of swearing to God at that time, tears blurred my vision. Slowly I sang a hymn of Godís word, ďMy pursuing God and following God is out of my own willingness. Now even if God deserts me, I will still follow him. No matter whether God wants me, I will still pursue to love God. I am resolute to gain God in the end, dedicating my lifetime energies to God. May Godís will be accomplished. May my heart be consecrated to God. No matter what God does, I will follow him all my life and never give up until I gain him. Ö If you want to be able to stand in the future, better satisfy God and follow God to the end, you must lay a good foundation now, practicing the truth in everything to satisfy God and care for Godís heart. If you always practice this way, you will have a foundation within and God will stir up your love for him. One day when trials come, you may undergo some sufferings, be sorrowful to a degree, and experience extreme grief. You will lay down your life willingly for loving God. No matter how God tries you, you will be able to give no thought to your life, and give up everything for God willingly, and endure everything for God willingly.Ē

After a period of spiritual devotions and adjustment, in Godís inspiration and guiding, I walked out of the passive state very quickly and began to perform my duty againÖ.

Although I spent the best years of my youth in the prison, I have no regrets in suffering for believing in God during those nearly eight years, because I understood some truths and tasted Godís love. I feel it meaningful and valuable to undergo such suffering. This is Godís exceptional uplifting and grace for me and is a special favor to me! Even if none of my relatives and friends understand me and my daughter doesnít recognize me, no person, matter, or thing can cut off my relationship with God. Even if I die, I canít leave God.

ďPure and Unblemished LoveĒ was the song I liked to sing most in the prison. Today, I will offer my purest love to God by my actual actions!
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